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A Homophile’s Guide to Conducting an Exorcism on Public Transportation


  1. Position the light carefully. No room for error. The space is already taken up by someone with a lower voice. Bigger hands. Stronger arms…

  2. Stare, but not for long.

  3. Now stop it. Stop it.

  4. Steady fingers are needed for proper sutures. Vinyl-gloved inspection team spelunking in the cosmos. Find whatever it is that burns and remove it.

  5. Stitch the folds closed. One loop over the other. Tug until the thread snaps or the fire leaks out the mouth.

  6. Smother any remaining fever with a plastic bag. At this point, the light may burn a hole through the operating table. Ignore it. Choke out the smoke before it can sneak away or set off the alarm.

  7. Once removed, there is no threat of further hunger. In fact, the patient should feel rather satisfied, as if an ice cream scoop has scraped out the lining of their stomach. Acid reflux killer.

  8. If symptoms persist, prescribe three Hail Marys before leaving the house. Upon return, take a hammer and crack open an egg shell without shattering it. Drink the whites but leave the yolks. Line them up on the tallest shelf of the fridge. Watch them drip down.

  9. If the patient relapses after prolonged treatment, position their body between the train doors and slice it in half. Watch them scoop up the blood and try to pour it back into themselves as it splatters the elderly woman in priority seating. It should be a strong enough deterrent for a few weeks at least.

  10. Object of fascination denied entrance. Continue en route to destination.

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